Dirty Ernie

[Jim Eck]

One day the class assignment was to stand up and tell what your Father did for a living.

After a few other students have been up to talk the teacher notice Dirty Ernie slumping in his chair so she called on Ernie to be next.

Ernie stood up and began, "My Father works at the gay male strip club and sells himself at the end of each evening to the highest bidder."

At this point the teacher stands up and says "Ernie, I know what you are saying is untrue, I happen to know your Father is a Professional Baseball player, now you explain yourself right now!"

Ernie's response, "Ahh Teacher, it is just to embarrassing to say my Father plays for the Chicago Cubs."

Jim

[dingus]

Dirty Ernie and Little Johnny must be related.

each student was asked to retell a family event as a short class presentation.

Little Johnny:
"My older brother just came back from the Army. They sent him home because he got shot in the ass."

teacher:
"Johnny, we dont use that word, we say rectum."

Little Johnny:
"Rectum? Hell, he almost died!"

[itlldue]

Johnny was in a Sunday School class one day and the teacher asked "When you die, which part of your body do you think enters Heaven first?" Billy raised his hand, and said, "I think it's your head, because you're always thinking about God". Susie raised her hand next, and said, "I think it's your heart, because God is always in your heart." Mary was next, with "I think it's your hands, because you put them together to pray." Johnny finally raised his hand and said, "I know the answer to this. It's your feet." The teacher looked at Johnny and asked, "How do you know that?"

Johnny answered, "The other night I woke up and was thirsty, so I went to the bathroom to get a drink of water. On my way back, I heard some strange noised in my parent's room, so I opened the door and peeked in. Mom was laying on her back naked with her feet pointing straight up toward Heaven screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', and if Dad hadn't been laying on top of her holding her down, we'd have lost her!"

[dingus]

Dirty Ernie was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. after the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. it will give you acne, rot your teeth, & make you fat."

Ernie replied, "my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

the man asked, "did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Ernie answered, "no, he minded his own f**king business!"

[Jim Eck]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

[clint e.]

Just to say that i love your funny jokes/stories.

[dingus]

Dirty Ernie returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3? I said 6'".

"But that's right!" his father replies.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f**king difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

[Jim Eck]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."